I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
