we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
