i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
