legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My vagina is officially offended.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
