I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
