I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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