And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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