If i come over, it means nothing
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
