the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
