i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
