Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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