gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
