sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
