you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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