Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
