Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
