as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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