It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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