Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
