I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
