I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
