i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
