You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I need to stop coming to work sober
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
