I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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