Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
