I'm jealous of your bromance
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
