Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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