so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
