remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
