How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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