hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
