I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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