I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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