I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
