So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
