She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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