I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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