I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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