I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
