i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She said her name was "party"
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
