I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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