took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
