Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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