I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
