Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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