i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
