The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just forgot I was standing up.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
