Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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