Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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