i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Do vagina's smell?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
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