dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
did i walk over a car last night?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
