Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
