you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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